Foreplay.

This page touches upon kissing and touching, oral sex including cunnilingus and fellatio, and genital touching or massage with the hands.

A common complaint about men in the bedroom is that we move towards penetration too fast. Ideally, sensuality is an end unto itself, and every touch and kiss is appreciated for the enjoyable and rewarding thing that it is. Practically, it takes a lot of free time and willpower to go this slowly, but in my experience she will love you for it. Take the time to make love to every inch of her body, her lips, her arms, her legs and feet... let her begin to move her hips against your body, let her kiss you with more and more desire as you kindle the flame of passion within her. Penetration is something to look forward to, but until then, there's a lot of kissing and touching to be enjoyed.

Foreplay is an essential way of warming the woman up for sex, but there's a lot more to it than that. The woman is not the only one who benefits; men tend to be pleased when they please women, not only because being good in bed is a powerful ego boost, but because seeing a woman all naked and excited is an equally powerful turn-on. Also, the woman need not take a passive role; exciting him is definitely fun and empowering, and it may help him discover the joy of being kissed and caressed and seduced. Finally, foreplay doesn't have to lead to intercourse, and kissing and touching can be profoundly enjoyable as an end, not just as a means.

Kissing and Touching.

The art of touch has at least three dimensions of yin and yang: strong & gentle, fast & slow, and round & sharp. Slow touches are often more intense than fast ones, since the touchee has time to feel every detail of the sensation. It is generally best to move from gentler to stronger, but women prefer different things based on their mood and their temperament, and empathy is always your best guide. Sharp kisses and touches use teeth or nails, while round ones do not, and again it is best to move from round to sharp, yin to yang. Gentle scratches and nibbles are great ways to add excitement in the early stages, while strong bites or scratches are best left to moments of intense passion. A very light caress with the back of the nails is one of my favorites, a perfect combination of yin and yang; but if this makes your partner shiver they're feeling oversensitive and a firmer and/or broader touch is needed. One can create beautiful music with the dimensions of touch, and two touching each other can make that music even better.

Massage is another wonderful thing that is truly an end in itself. Invest in some soft music, candles, neutral base oil, essential oil for scent, and perhaps a good instruction book. The details of massage and aromatherapy are too many to list here, and I can say next to nothing about shiatsu, reiki or reflexology, but one can do a lot without formal training or research if the intuition is there. Probably the most important things are a warm enough room, time without interruptions, and relaxation on the part of both giver and receiver. Whether or not it leads to sex, either giving or recieving a massage can have therapeutic qualities and just feel great.

It pays to know your erogenous zones, including the ones that are generally sensitive, and especially your own lover's favorites. All the "pink parts" - nipples, lips, tongue, vulva, vagina, penis-head and anus - are wonderful to touch and make some amazing combinations with each other. Some other favorites include the scalp, the ears, the cheeks, the neck, the inside of the elbows, the palm of the hand, the side of the little finger, the breasts, the flanks, the lower belly and back, the buttocks, the inner thighs, the outer thighs, the backs of the knees, the ankles, the toes, and all the space in between. Try touching some of your partner's softest parts, such as their inner thighs, with your softer parts, perhaps your inner forearms, for an amazing silken sensation. I find that sensitivity grows in the absence of touch, so you can focus on one area and let it build in another, or move about at a fairly regular pace for consistent sensitivity.

If you're kissing and touching your lover for a while, slowly building intensity, and you sense that they want you to move to their pink parts, it's hot to introduce that incidentally. Lightly brush your forearm across her venus mound as you reach for her breast, or kiss your way across her neck and cheek, brush your lips against hers just once, and continue on your way as she reaches her mouth towards yours. This and any other type of teasing will remind your lover what they want and force them to actively seek it from you, thus engaging them in the sex and increasing both their desire and their pleasure. After tormenting them for a while, you can give them what they want and give them lots of it, and get plenty of what you want in the process.

Detail from 'The Kiss' by Gustav Klimt

Kissing can be pretty amazing; here are some ideas. Let the intensity of your foreplay, or of your lovemaking, be guided by the way she kisses. Keeping your tongue and lips relaxed, move from yin to yang... very lightly brush your lips against hers, trace her lips with your tongue... softly chew her upper lip while she nibbles your lower... relax completely while she kisses you, or vice versa... gently suck one side of her lip(s) into your mouth, and keep sucking as you move your mouth to the other side... or gently suck on her tongue and guide it in and out of your lips. This last move is incredible during sex, and when she does it, it feels like two penetrations at once. Of course, kisses can be given all over, in an endless supply, and there's one place she's guaranteed to love.

The Yoni.

The softest, most wonderful part of her body, her yoni or vulva deserves the utmost of love and affection. After plenty of foreplay, she will love you kissing and touching and (yes) penetrating here, but if this is your sexual destination, it's best to take the scenic route. Take your time, and if you haven't already, get to know all her female parts, especially the labia, vagina, and clitoris. The latter is more sensitive than any other body part, male or female, and its only purpose is to give her pleasure. Pay attention to it, but not before you warm her entire body, and not before you create a trail of kisses that leads down to her yoni.

Cunnilingus.

Cunnilingus is a most beloved thing for women, either as a prelude to sex or as an end in itself. It is also a powerful turn-on for many men, especially when they see how much pleasure she feels when they do it well. Like all forms of lovemaking, only more so, kissing pussy is more about awareness and empathy than technique. Taste is a concern for many women, but most men love the taste of pussy if it's not too unshowered. If she needs to wash, you can either subtly lead her to the shower, or shut up and avoid her urethra. Shutting up is important: she doesn't need to be worrying about how she might taste while you're heading downward. While you're licking her, watch her reactions or ask what she likes, follow a steady rhythm, and be gentler than you think. The following techniques will help you both out, but it's a set of ideas and not a script; follow her guidance, especially the rhythm of her hip motions; don't change techniques just for the sake of doing so; and forget about everything in the world but her body.

- Take your time and perhaps tease her a bit before you start; massage, kiss and gently lick the sensitive skin around her vulva. Sucking her outer labia is a great way to tease.
- Keeping your tongue relaxed, lick her from vagina to labia, very lightly at first. Do this simple and wonderful move often. Later on, when she's well aroused, you can include her clit.
- Slip your tongue into her vagina, hold it there a moment, and slowly pull it out. Explore her vaginal opening with slow little circles and thrusts.
- Gently suck on her labia, coaxing blood flow into them, and let your lips slide off. Later on you can tug on her labia and clitoris more firmly with your slippery lips.
- Caress and play with her labia and outer vagina, very gently, with a moistened finger.
- Softly blow on her vulva, then counter that cooling with the warmth of your mouth fit around it. Never blow into her vagina; this is potentially dangerous and must be avoided.
- Lightly circle her labia with your tongue. A few circles later, include her clit.
- Lick up between her labia, fit your tongue-tip under her clitoral hood, and begin to slowly circle her clit.
- Suck her clitoral hood and labia into her mouth; continue circling her clit and tonguing her labia inside your warm mouth.
- Press your tongue fairly firmly against her clitoral shaft and move it from side to side. In my experience, this is a good way to make her come.
- Reach around her leg and bring your index finger and thumb to either side of her clitoral shaft; gently pull the skin up and outward to reveal her clit.
- Move the flat of your tongue in circles over her exposed clitoral bud. If her clit is too sensitive for this move, let her hood come back down and keep licking. If your tongue needs a rest, try relaxing it and moving with your whole head.
- With your mouth around her vulva, explore her labia and vagina with your tongue, while your upper lip moves gently against her clit.
- Tell her how much you love kissing her pussy, let her see you touching your erection.
- Keep kissing her clit as you change positions, to a 69-style orientation; in this position, she can touch your erection for you, and you can roll your tongue around her clitoral shaft and glide it up and down.
- Cunnilingus works well from a 69, but fellatio works less well; I suggest you both stay focused on her pussy and let her kiss you later. If you do 69, make sure no one clenches their teeth when they come.
- Return to a right-side up position and add some manual stimulation (see below) to the mix. By now she should be very aroused.
- Encourage her to touch her clitoris while you lick inside her vagina... follow her rhythm and don't get in her way.
- Try buzzing your lips on her clit: push the air through pursed lips with your tongue, as you breathe normally through your nose. This should feel amazing once she gets used to the sound.
- Do some multitasking: hold her clitoral hood back with one hand, finger her with the other, and tongue her clit, nibble her labia, and suck on her vulva with your mouth.
- When she's close to orgasm (and you should both know she doesn't have to get there), don't change what you're doing. Maintain your rhythm, intensity and technique.
- After an orgasm, her vulva may be hypersensitive and/or she may want an affectionate break. If not, you'll be welcome to continue.
- When you're both done, give her a passionate kiss; she'll may or may not like to taste herself on your mouth. It's up to both of you what to do next.
A dental dam will also protect against unwelcome tastes, as well as STIs, from oral sex; make one by cutting the tip off a condom, then cutting lengthwise to form a rectangle to cover the anus or vagina. To avoid the taste of latex, try flavored or unlubricated condoms.

Fellatio.

I'm no expert on giving blowjobs, but I know what I like and I do have some tips. It still feels good - very good - when the penis is soft, and circling it with your tongue is a great way to make it hard. The simplest and most effective motion is to mimic a vagina, gliding your moistened lips up and down the shaft and head. Let the sensitive bottom of the penis head rub against your tongue as it enters your mouth. If he has a foreskin, pull it back to expose the head or perhaps slip your tongue under it and circle. Listen to his cues and use your lips and tongue, but not your teeth. Your hands can nearly double his pleasure, and you should definitely use them as the momentum grows. Wrap your palm around his shaft and stroke up and down in time with your mouth movements... you can also massage the hidden length of the penis within the scrotum, very gently play with his balls, or very lightly stroke the skin of the scrotum for an intense tingling sensation. If the communication is really good, you can keep him on the verge of orgasm for a long time... come up to straddle him and carefully take him inside, and you'll feel the amazing electricity that this generates. When he comes in your mouth, you can let it flow out onto his body, hold it in and spit it out, or be tender and swallow. Unlike cunnilingus, I don't recommend fellatio as foreplay, because it's very exciting and sets the man up for early orgasm... but it makes excellent afterplay, and may even lead to a restored erection.

Manual Stimulation.

Manual stimulation is trickier than oral, as the tongue has softness, flexibility, warmth and moisture that the hand does not. Be very gentle when playing with her outer parts, and moisten your fingers (or better yet, lick her clitoris) often and well. Watching her touch herself will teach you a lot, and you can mimic her angle of approach with the 69-style orientation mentioned above. Cupping her vulva in your hand and letting her move is both simple and sexy. Fingering her vagina comes later; keep your nails clean and short, start with one finger at a shallow depth, and build to more fingers and deeper. When she is highly aroused, after plenty of touching and licking and perhaps an orgasm, her g-spot will respond well to firm pressure. Find it by inserting a finger palm up and finding a slightly rough spot about two inches deep on the upper forward wall of her vagina. Press or circle this magic button rhythmically towards your tongue, which will be licking her clit on the other side. As a prelude to penetration, he can approach missionary position, press his soft-skinned and hopefully firm belly against her vulva, and move it up and down to tug at her clit. He can also use his hands to rub the tip of his penis against her clit, or he can gently thrust his erection over her vulva, using the moisture from his mouth or from her vagina to take away friction. This last "out-fucking" technique is most fun when it ends, i.e. when his hands take over the massage of her vulva, and his penis finds its way home.

Watching your partner masturbate can be powerfully erotic, and a couple can build amazing tension if they do it together, both being voyeurs and exhibitionists, without being allowed to touch. Vibrators are great tools for her and I'd suggest he be totally cool with them, and let her know he is. He can even use one on himself, simply by pressing it against the most sensitive spot on the underside of his penis-head, and making slow circles as he might with a finger. She'll probably get a kick out of seeing that, and he might like it a lot too. It's also fun to give each other a hand, to lie beside each other and kiss as you massage each other's sensitive parts. Both lovers should feel free to touch themselves conspicuously while they give head, creating a powerful and mutual turn-on... and finally, when either partner massages the woman's clit in well-lubed circles during intercourse, sex becomes much more fun and orgasmic for her. Hands in general are wonderful erotic tools, and when a good lover uses them to their fullest potential, amazing sex is not far behind.

Penetration.

The next section, on full penetrative intercourse, includes a guide to sexual positions.